Old Friend

Verse, like an old friend, you’re always there.
Sometimes out of sight, but never too far to reach.
I can go months, even years, without a line, without a rhyme.
Then, you’re right there, back on my mind.

You call me up and want to talk.
“I was just thinking about you,” I say.
And as a friend should, I’m here to listen, not judge. “I’ll just be here. Give me all you got. My arms are wide open. Let me have it, I’ll hold it close.”

You tell me how you’ve been depressed. A little down and can’t get rest.
I sigh and say, “I’m here for you, sometimes it’s true, I’ve been there too.”
I try to give my best advice, and let you know you’re all things nice.
“It’s hard,” you say, “I’ve run so low.” All I can give is that, “I know.”

And just like that, you turn to go.
“Come back soon, I love you so.”

“I’ll come back, I’ll move that block. I’ll have my way, you’ll see, my friend. I’ll come back strong, I’ll stay all day. We’ll laugh and talk and play pretend!”

Because that’s what friends do.

Most, Some, Every

There’s something oddly satisfying about sweeping the floor of my house. I have windows on the East side of my house, so early in the morning when the sun starts streaming in the rays light up the dust, dirt, crumbs and grass across the entirety of my open concept home. It’s cringy. So I sweep, most mornings…some mornings.

And though I do a pretty thorough, the job it isn’t perfect and it hurts my back. (I know, call a “waah”-mbulance.) Some days, I can’t even do the whole floor, just the worst parts. But when the sun is high and no longer streaming in, you can’t really see what I leave behind. It looks pretty great. But I know there’s still quite a bit of dirt left around the edges of the rugs, if not under them.

It’s sort of the same when the light of the Word shines on me. Fortunately, Jesus is the one with the broom. Now, I might still have some dirt on me now, but his broom is constantly at work. It hurt his back, too. But He did the job in full. Cost him his life, not just his back, and not just for me. But for all of us. Can you imaging the weight of that? The pain of that?

That’s love. Boundless, incomprehensible love. I am humbled and grateful for his mercies that are new every morning. Not just some.

“But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
‭‭1 John‬ ‭1‬:‭7‬-‭9‬ ‭ESV‬‬

When that sun shines in, I can see what needs cleaning. Let’s stay in the light together.

♥️✝️🩸
JamieJoan

Two Steps Forward, This Ain’t Two-Steppin’

I love to dance. I used to be on the dance team in High School, a long, long time ago! Times have definitely changed. Now I dance when no one’s watching! I’m not even sure why I started this post this way. I wasn’t intending to write about dancing. We’ll just have to see where this goes.

I was walking my dog today. If you follow me on socials you know, I have a new rescue dog. I am truly smitten by her. She’s settling into our family like she was always supposed to be here. She’s a year or two young, so she’s got lots of energy. Aaanyway, I was walking my dog today and thinking about how dogs can really teach humans a lot about our relationship with God.

My pup is really a good girl. So good in fact, that I really don’t know how I got so lucky!! She’s not perfect on a leash, but she has a nature to please, for sure. It seems she may have had some limited training in the past. She walks right beside me, mostly. She’s still learning, so I have to keep a pretty short leash. But when I let her have some slack, she likes to run ahead, sometimes to the detriment of her poor little paws that get stepped on. She wants to keep me in her sight, but it’s hard to walk when you’re not watching where you’re going. She can also get behind or ahead and wrap her leash around her legs or mine. That’s never good. I’m not willing to risk falling with my aging bones! “Heel”, I bellow, and pull her back in.

We’ve made some nice progress in the last few of days. She’s gotten better. But then today, it seemed she’d forgotten what she learned over the last few days. She may have thought all was learned and was ready to lead the way, or just gone back to her old ways, the ones where she was walking the human, not the other way around. Two steps forward, one step back. It’s still progress!

Does any of this sound familiar? It does to me! I’m thinking maybe, just maybe, God has some lessons for me in Toodles. The way she came to us and the way she got her name? I know, she’s a gift from God. I think I’ll do good to pay attention.

Other lessons. She adores me, is excited to be around me, follows me everywhere, she rests near me, and tries to obey me. These are all ways I should be acting towards God. Jesus saved me, like I saved her. That’s a bit simplistic and not exactly accurate, but you get my drift.

He loves us with a wild, passionate, I’m so happy you chose me love, just like I love my new fur baby and she loves me. So if I’m gonna go back to my dancing analogy and how it relates, well, this is what I’ve got. I’m gonna let Him lead, ‘cause I want to love him like this ball of fur loves me. And hopefully, she’ll let me lead, and our walks will go much smoother.

🩶🤍💜🐶🐾

Puppy love,

Jamie

To Drink or Not to Drink, That is the Question

It’s been a minute since I’ve written anything about the cancer that lurks below. And really, that’s not what I’m writing about now. But it’s connected, because today I went for lab work. Just the standard eleven tubes of blood to check under the hood. My car went in a couple of weeks ago. Seems we’re both running pretty smoothly, both have a little that could be improved upon. My car is an easy fix, a bit more transparent. It needs an alignment.

Today’s blood results, though not all in yet, show a few curious and questionable things. The first was my blood sugar. It was low. And when I look at how my behavior is affected by low blood sugar, it should have been obvious. Putting it nicely, I’ve been out of sorts, on edge. Quite honestly, ready to bite someone’s head off. It was actually in my acting class when I realized that my body and my actions were being influenced by my environment. That class is often very cathartic and serendipitous. It’s how I know I’m in the right place at the right time. I was a joyful observer of some beautiful work today. But I digress…in a way.

Speaking of serendipity. On the cruise, I had a drink package. The kind of package that you buy that allows you all the alcohol you can drink, without buying individual drinks. I didn’t buy it, but it was part of the package deal for our tickets. It also includes specialty coffees, so that came in handy. Again, I ramble. The group I traveled with knew about my cancer, I mean, they are my family, but some of them didn’t know my giving up alcohol story. So I got to share that when asked about why I wasn’t drinking. And as I was telling it, in my mind I was questioning. Is this something that I still need to do?

Well, God heard my question. And I want to say I’ll never doubt him again. But I know me, and I also know to never say never. But in His great grace He still answered me. Today my liver enzymes were out of wack. So I’m glad I’ve held firm to my obedience in not drinking. It’s not often I’m tempted, but in all transparency, I was a little tempted this trip. I mean, I had the package! But he provided a way out just as he promised. By telling my story he encouraged me to be strong, but he also gave me the strength. I know it sounds woo woo. But that’s how He is. Mysterious and full of grace.

Today’s results are just another reminder of his grace. Grace, you say? A negative result? Yes! A resounding yes! He will be with me, wherever these results lead. It’s a reminder that my liver is not strong enough for alcohol. And a reminder that his grace is sufficient.

I’ll be fine, you know the saying, “shut up liver, you’re fine”. Or at least it will be. And if not, God is still good.

And just to make sure y’all understand, my numbers usually normalize themselves pretty quickly. I’m not too worried about it. But unlike my car, it’s not that transparent.

Thanks for listening.
~Jamie

PS. Addition to yesterday’s post: Myeloma labs continue to show Remission. Praise God! As far as liver numbers go, maybe I just ate too much on the cruise (I definitely ate too much on the cruise).

PPS. Repeat lab check shows normal liver levels! 🙌

EASTER SPECIAL: FREE WITH PURCHASE

Dying to self. What an interesting concept. We learn that in church. It’s in the bible, in fact. But what does it really mean?

This is Holy Week. The week that Believers recognize the ultimate sacrifice of Jesus, the Son of the God of the Bible, Yahweh. I am one of those believers. In that profession of faith, there is a lot to grasp!

I don’t know how much you know about me, but I’m fixin’ to share what I believe to be the most important thing about me. It is that I believe that Jesus is the Son of God. He died on a cross and on the third day rose from the dead. That is the “confession” of faith. My confession of faith.

There’s a lot of things that are important to me. My family, my friends, my job (it’s my livelihood after all), acting (my creative outlet). But in all those things that I love and are important, God, my Heavenly Father, demands (yes demands) to come first. And he is soooo loving, that I cannot help but comply.

Now, I’ll admit that is not always how I act. Just ask the people closest to me, they’ll tell you. Well, they might not, because they are good people, but they know. They’ve all seen me think I’m highest on the list. But, eventually I get humbled in one way or another.

That brings me back to the dying to self thing. Jesus said, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel’s will save it.”‭‭(Mark‬ ‭8‬:‭34‬-‭35‬). This is what you agree to when you become a follower.

This is the life I signed up for. Death. But what does that mean? Well, I will spend the rest of my life working on that. Humbling myself for love. Honoring others. Serving others. To do this is to glorify God. Not in a religious way, but by listening to others, by not needing to have my way all the time (sorry Jeff), by treating others with respect and kindness and trying to be understanding.

The command that God gives, that Jesus gives, “The most important is, ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”” Mark‬ ‭12‬:‭29‬-‭31‬ ‭

He demands it, commands it, and he also deserves it. He died for me. He took all my sins, my failures, my guilt when he did. I can’t turn away from that. I can only look at that “man” on the cross and be gutted. He was a perfect sinless substitute for me. For all of us, his creation. He deserves my all.

So, I will keep on trying and thanking and repenting and repeating. God in His great mercy keeps forgiving, and in his great grace keeps pursuing. It is a great and beautiful mystery that refreshes my soul. So I will follow into eternity. Praise His name forever!

Is it easy? Nah. But it sure is worth it!

“We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life.”
‭‭Romans‬ ‭6‬:‭4‬ ‭

Don’t Worry, Be Happy

I wouldn’t say I have no nerves. Let’s face it, bone marrow biopsies aren’t fun. In fact, they are painful, but I can’t say I’m all that nervous. I think my husband is nervous enough for both of us anyway.

These nerves are a funny thing. I get so nervous when I do a scene. My pits sweat, the butterflies in my stomach take flight, my entire body tingles. What is a scene? Is it life and death? No. I might stumble and flub lines, but how can that hurt me? Why must that upset my body in such a way? It’s not like I haven’t been doing this thing for 20 years! But still, the stage fright persists!

******

Aaaand it’s done. Not painless, but I’ve had worse! Now we wait. And guess what? My Xanax just kicked in. 😂

God willing, no cancer will be detected. It’s a good day. I am loved, and held. And whatever the result, God is always good!! And I have a bit of a buzz.😂✝️😘🩸

Notice.

Notice. The fish tank buzzing and bubbling.  The dishwasher churning and whooshing.  The air flowing around my head from the fan.

Notice. The light from the hall nightlight. The glow from the TV. The cough from the bedroom. The clock ticking the moments away.

Notice. My mind swirling from the day. The joy filled songs from church. The conversations with my kids and grandkids. The crazy selftape with the make believe scuffle.

Notice. My breath hitting the back of my throat and the clip digging into my scalp as it holds up my hair. The way my heart feels when I think you’re coming into the room.

Notice. The moment I give thanks, I relax. I’m held. I noticed.
🤍

IVIg – Liquid Gold

I need inspiration, a spark of a thought. A flame from an ember, it comes in surrender.

I give way to the moment, stop trying too much. Start listening, observing, and being grateful and such.

My muse is a needle, a tube, and a pump. I came here today because I’ve been in a slump.

Immunity down, my feet get the tingles. The gold that they give me with my blood starts to mingle.

My day might be shot as I sit in the chair. I could gripe and complain and say “It’s not fair.”

But in truth, I am lucky, and blessed beyond measure. I take this treatment and know it’s a treasure.

Not only that, but I’ll have more to give. These days that I have, they are meant to be lived.

Sit quietly now, take my script up and read. I have music, and time, and all that I need.

No more distractions! I must study my pages. It’s not something new, it’s been happening for ages.

A little trickle, now into a flood. All this is priceless, now please, go give blood!

My life depends on it, like it or not. When immunity slumps, it’s all that I’ve got!

The Lone Ranger Never Did That

I got sloppy, didn’t wear a mask. So, yes, I’m sick (RSV). I knew better, I should have done better.

I went to the clinic this time. The real one. Not that they’re not all real, but the ones that know my story and completely understand. The ones that know what a cold can do to a patient in remission and a wrecked immune system. Knows the special care I need.

Sometimes, when I tell a regular acute care doctor about my “stuff”, it feels like they think I’m a hypochondriac. Thank God I have a place I can go where those things really matter. Where I really matter.

It’s a drive, so I have to decide whether it’s that important. And sometimes, I feel I could’ve done without it, but there again I do feel reassured.

There’s another place that I go where I get reassurance and special care. Where I am important. It’s invariably the most important place, no matter the circumstance. It’s to my Heavenly Father, my Papa. It’s ALWAYS worth the drive.

Even today, he assured me with this verse: “My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭73‬:‭26‬ ‭NLT
A verse I needed while I’m coughing up a lung.

My heart? It has all the feels. He never dismisses me. He never holds out on me.

While I may feel cold from chills, I have a warm blanket. The rest time gives me time to memorize a script. And the quarantine conditions? Well, I can still attend an online class without infecting a single soul.

As Psalm 23 reminds me…I have all that I need. Meds, comfort, warmth and technology!

God is always Good.

TGBTG
(To God be the Glory)

Ode to Insomnia

I close my eyes, chasing sleep.
A week on vacation in an uncomfortable bed makes me grateful to be home in mine. But sounds come from the warm body next to me that will not let me sleep. Oh, I envy his state.

He gives a kind exit, a generous sacrifice, for my needed sleep. I am grateful, but sleep still alludes me. What did I do to chase my friend Sleep away?

She used to love to spend the night. She would have stayed with me on a busy thoroughfare with honking horns. Now she is aloof and comes only if she can spare a few minutes between all her important appointments.

I go to bed early hoping that will urge a visit. I stay up late and keep vigil longing for her companionship. I urge rest with synthetics and counterfeits but none live up to her genuineness.

I pray, I recite lines, I meditate. I toss, I turn, I’m like a rotisserie chicken. I beg, I plead, and apparently sometimes have tantrums.

Whatever it was I did, I’m sorry.

Maybe tonight, she’ll come back.

~Jamie🥱